Even the bartender felt bad for me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
