She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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