Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
