in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize