do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
