Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
