He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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