Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
