I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
