I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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