I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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