when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
