you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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