when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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