So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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