so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
