it was like eating out sand paper
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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