my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm both gender and math confused
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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