Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
