I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
