apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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