Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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