I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just found puke in my bra..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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