I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
