Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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