Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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