with your own penis?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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