This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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