It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
