She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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