I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
