Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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