oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize