I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize