I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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