Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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