what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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