no, he came in my armpit
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
