you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
