Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
