3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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