the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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