i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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