I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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