420 ftw
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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