I puked a lego.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
