yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
