I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
