you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
