I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
