the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
