Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
