I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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