I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
