It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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