my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I did not marry a roomba.
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