OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
