i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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