Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
